Kiss on a moving office

I was stuck in an auto at one of those signals which takes 150 seconds to switch from red to green, inhaling all the exhaust fumes possible. Next to my auto, was another auto with a couple seated in the back. Now the boy and the girl were super young or ridiculously petite and looked like they were coming back from tuition or something. There was the usual giggling and that not at all effortless putting arm around the girl's shoulder. 

Then it happened. They started kissing-  it was kissing at first and then became full fledged face sucking. Now let me be clear, I have nothing against PDA. In my hay days (I know, I know 28 is really catching up with me) I have also sneaked a kiss in the auto but firstly never at a signal because one can never be too careful and always waiting for the lightning to strike or find my mom in the adjacent auto. But that is not the point. 

The point is these two were going at it big time! Their auto driver even readjusted the mirror and smiled. Not only is he getting the fare he is also getting a free show! Their auto driver turns to my auto driver and lamented about something in Kannada. I am sure he wasn't talking about traffic or the weather because he was grinning his ass off and lamenting at the same time. 

My auto driver now felt the need to seek my opinion in this issue. 

Auto driver: See madam, what all children do these days...
Me: Hmmm..what to do
Auto driver: All because of mobile phone madam
Me: Really? Mobile phone?
Auto driver: Yes madam, full day sms then coming in real auto and kissing
Me: Hmmm, yes coming to a real auto and doing this is not ok...
Auto driver: You tell me madam, if someone comes to your office and starts kissing what will you do?
Me: Ummm...well...
Auto driver: This auto is also like office only no madam

By far the longest signal ever! But yeah the auto is exactly like an office...

In case you are curious <I know I would be>, those two were at it till the signal turned green. They didn't even come up for a breath! Sigh, strong lungs - gift of youth...

Emergent green thumb

I told you what happened the last time TOH and I got an oregano plant. So we decided to try again but this time with plants that fall on a medium on my likeability scale. I am now beginning to believe that my obsessive love might have been too stifling for the oregano plant and hence it decided to move on to a safer place where it doesn't drown in the name of being watered. 

I now have two plants - Parsley and Celery (P&C - kind of like a band but quieter). I am proud to report that they have lived for over a month now so yayyyy! I water them everyday (just enough) and say a few kind words like "You are so green today!" or "Look at you! All parsley like in your pot!". Seems to do the trick for now...I hope P&C make it. 

Meanwhile I am planning to get a few more plants to see how far I can stretch my green thumb. Any suggestions? 

Any good news? Hell No !

So like I said before, TOH and I do not have kids and honest to god are not planning right now. But clearly a simple yet pointed message like that can be difficult to get through not just family members in India but people you do not even know! 

If you are married, you must have kids preferably in the first two years of your marriage if you are normal, that is. If you are "modern" you get about 3-4 years tops! After that you will have coloured threads with your name on some tree which promises fertility. 

In the first two years of marriage, every time I attended a social event I was asked with a nudge nudge wink wink if there was any "good news". In fact, at a cousin's wedding a lady came and jabbed her finger into my tummy asking if there was any good news! I told her "even if there was, it sure wouldn't be good news now after such an injury..." She did walk away but not before clarifying "so no?". 

The other time, when I was at work and very ill I took a loo break and was seeing the last night's dinner going down the drain. A colleague waited for me in the washroom, I was touched by her concern before she asked me "oh good news?" I told her, "if I was, it would have to be a very powerful and determined sperm to travel alone for nearly 3000 km to impregnate me" She gave me a quizzical glance and walked away!  Really woman I just threw up, my husband lives in another city and I haven't seen him for almost 3 months and that is the question you are going with - so what did you expect!

Now when I go to a wedding people don't ask me about a good news, they just ask me how old my child is. Yes, my non-existent child because it is impossible to believe that I wouldn't have one right?

And when I say I don't have kids, I get anything from a shocked "oh why?" to a pitiful look followed by "I know this great doctor who is just so lucky...one look at you and that's all it takes"! 

Really people I will tell you when the miracle of life happens till then please keep your questions to the gossip group at the park where you go walking. I am really OK! 

Makes you wonder about the doctor though....just one look hmmm...what sort of a look would lead to THAT? Are you thinking what I am thinking? ;)

Silver lining with gifts against crotch (not mine!)

So Indian weddings are sort of more the merrier kind of thing and I am more the “4 is too many people” kind. The other day I had a wedding reception to attend which I was desperately trying to get out of. Well because it was my mother-in-law’s cousin’s cousin’s <I do mean cousin’s cousin> daughter. Yes, very close that TOH’s family. 

So of course while I described my conundrum to Dee, she was trying to be as supportive as she could:

Me: I don’t want to go to this thing

Dee: Yeah I don’t see how you cannot. TOH is in Goa so you have no excuse...

Me: But c’mon help!

Dee: You aren’t working or anything so you cannot even have a meeting or get late at work!

Me: Thank you that was very helpful

Dee: Fake menstrual cramps...always works...

Me: No, its kind of complicated can’t do that

Dee: Ok...fake a migraine attack

Me: You cannot fake a migraine...they would know! My face swells up twice its size when I have an attack...its a dead giveaway

Dee: Fiiine...eat chocolate then! Be realistic!

Me: I would rather go to the reception than choosing a near death experience (side note: I have migraine and chocolate is the biggest trigger in my case)

Dee: See I told you...you should go.

Now here is the deal, in Indian wedding receptions the bride and the groom stand on an elevated platform decorated with flowers while people stand in a line (serpentine line), go up to the couple, wish them, give a gift and take a really bad picture with them. I sat down to watch for a bit and I observed the strangest thing.

A guest walks up to the stage, shakes hands with the bride and the groom and gives the groom a gift. The groom takes the gift and holds it against his crotch while taking a group picture with the guest !!

This happened over and over and over again. I don’t think the poor guy even knew that he is going to have an album full of pictures with him holding colourful boxes covering his crotch. But I don’t have much sympathy for him anymore, for one there was a huge projector screen which was showing the pictures being taken so he should have been able to figure it out and the other he held the envelopes against his crotch too! Seriously WTF! Even subconsciously how do you think you can protect your junk with an envelope which probably contains just one note not even like a thick wad of notes you know for extra padding!

Sigh, anyway all I can say I no longer regret going to that reception because while I thought my life was pretty darn fucked up at least I am not going to own a thick photo album in which I am holding gifts against my crotch....always a silver lining.

Ill of mother of the broken legged

I really think there is something about me that screams “walk over”. 

Today an aunt of mine called me after <let me count> 11 years. That’s right. She didn’t even come to my wedding. Now that is saying a lot about closeness because my wedding was a close, intimate gathering of about 1000 people true Indian style! She wasn’t even amongst those 1000 “close” friends and family, this aunt. 

So how come she called today you ask? Well, let me tell you.

This aunt has a daughter who happens to currently study in Bangalore and live in the hostel. This precious has broken her leg. Now don’t you judge me for speaking ill of the mom of the broken-legged! But if you read the conversation that followed I think you would be on my side.

Random aunty: Hello beta, how are you? Are you in Bangalore?

Me: May I know who is speaking?

Random aunty: <fake laughter> oh beta, this is random aunty

Me: <fake laughter> Oh! Hi!

Random aunty: How are you? How is TOH? I hear you don’t have a job these days how are you managing with TOH gone all day? 

Me: Umm....

Random aunty: Accha beta, where do you live? Is it close to the airport?

Me: No, it is not. Why?

Random aunty: Oh and TOH is he here? Do you guys have a car?

Me: What exactly happened aunty?

Random aunty: No beta, you see daughter has broken her leg and I thought I should visit but there really isn’t any point. I mean her leg is broken what can I do by coming there right? (I am not joking this is what she said)

Me: Ok....

Random aunty: So, I was thinking it is a long weekend and you know three days holidays...I was wondering if you could go pick up daughter and she could stay with you for three days and then you could drop her back. She wants to watch a movie and enjoy you know....but her leg is broken <insert sympathy pause>

Seriously WTF! You do not speak to me for 11 years, you make a random remark about me being unemployed, your daughter is not even my Facebook friend and you have the nerve to call me to ask me to play chauffeur, chef and a nurse!

These are the times when I totally do not mind playing my ‘Indian damsel who cannot function without her husband’ act. 

I simply told her that I cannot because TOH is traveling this weekend and I of course do not travel alone <shudders> so nope...no can't do. 

But really please tell me...do these things happen to you as well? Do you have random aunts or uncles or cousins who think they can waltz in and out whenever they please? I would love to hear about them...share your agony!

When Steve Jobs is involved in your baby's dump, it is excessive.

The other day Dee (introduced in Characters) and I were generally lamenting about the state of the world, when she discovered this: iPotty!

Now I would give you a minute to go visit the site for yourself and then come back. But I cannot hold myself any longer!

Serious WTF! Isn't your precious already overstimulated enough with the TV, Laptop, iPad that you needed to connect one to the potty! When is your dear dearest ever going to learn to appreciate the emptiness of thought that comes with sitting on a pot? The blank, stare-at-the-wall moments which let you take a breather from the madness of life...

And I am sorry, you are still training your poochikoochicoo (replace with whatever nonsensical baby cuddling name) to use the potty and that calls for utmost concentration and focus to finish the job at hand.  Plus do not even get me started on the hygiene and no, hand sanitisers are not good enough!

The horrors that follow do not cease to end. I googled for iPad potty and I was suggested to view this: Potty Training App. And the website calls it educational and <hold your breath> inspirational that's right!

Look, oh wow! It has motivated 25,000 kids to poop...

Yes, your little one needs to touch a horsey's nose on an interactive touch screen, hear blurbing noises to set a "positive mood for the most frustrating task" (I didn't say it. They did.) to finally be able to take a dump.

Is it just me and Dee? Does nobody see how horribly wrong this all is? What kind of a freaky young adult are we creating if he or she has to touch a fake horse to poop?!

Now I am not a parent but I sure did grow up to learn to use a potty without all this shenanigan so I am allowed to give my 2 cents. If you want to use this as "sure fire way to help toddlers learn to use the potty with less stress.

", I just ask you when is your kid ever going to know that taking a dump is probably the least stressful task he or she is going to have.*

*As long as you have a fibre-rich diet!

Of natural progression from plant to dog

So TOH and I have been happily married for almost four years. This means, by Indian standards we should have popped a human out of me by now. But thankfully neither of us can bring ourselves to make that kind of commitment.

Meanwhile of course, the family is doing everything possible short of pinning me down and artificially inseminating me.

The issue which TOH and I discussed was about how neither of us have a nurturing bone in our bodies. Knowing this we came upon a simple and very logical progression to determine if we should have a child.

Plant --> small furry animal --> dog

At each step if we successfully manage to keep these things alive then we are good to go.

For step 1, we needed a plant. Now I did not want to start right at the seed level because you know, too much effort plus you never know how the seed can turn out (not nurturing and commitment phobic at all). So we got an oregano plant (fully grown) because I love oregano and to replicate the "love" at having a child level I felt oregano would be a good start.

We got the plant home, I watered it with all my heart and believe it or not in two days flat the plant was dead! Not a couple of leaves wilted or slightly droopy kinda dead - I mean dead like not a leaf on the twig dead.

So clearly step 1 in the whole experiment was as Brother would say #epicfail.

TOH came home and we both shook our heads thinking "we told you so" and quietly wiped out all the traces of us ever owning a plant.