When life simply won't give you lemons!

We all have dirty, dark secrets that we take to our grave. I have them too. My current big secret which I am keeping from TOH - Lemons. Yes. Lemons. 

I love eating lemons. I grew up in Dubai eating these big, juicy, yellow lemons as a child. But now I live in India and all I get is limes. Now limes are good, but they are not lemons. 

Recently, I discovered lemons in a fancy supermarket nearby. Sadly, they are nearly 80 rupees a lemon. I bought one and ate the whole damn thing...with the insides and everything leaving only the rind behind. Yes, I know I will never have scurvy in this lifetime. 

But paying 80 bucks for a lemon is not on. Seriously, which sane person buys 1 lemon for 80 bucks more than once? And good luck to me trying to explain to TOH why I paid that much for a lemon. He will insist they are the same as limes and we all know they aren't. So for a while I didn't even walk in the direction of that supermarket lest I be tempted by Goddess Lemon (It HAS to be a goddess - bright yellow, sour, can give anyone a frozen jaw, definitely a woman that lemon)


Yesterday I was telling Dee about my lemon hankering. 

Me: Dee! I feel like buying a lemon. But I don't think its a smart thing to do
Dee: I think you shouldn't. Too much secretive lemon buying and you will be too house-wifey!
Me: What does that even mean?
Dee: Ahem...hiding things from husband, buying things. Very hindi serial bahu types
Me: They buy lemons?!
Dee: Well other stuff..lemons is uniquely you.
Me: I do not think I can ever convince TOH on why I desperately need a 85 rupee lemon. Damn stupid NRI upbringing!
Dee: Well...then do not buy it!

Well, I am sorry Dee. I did. I went to the supermarket and bought a lemon. I know, I know...I have a problem and till I admit it, no one can help me. 
If it makes you feel any better, my teeth are all tingly and my tongue feels weirdly grainy because of eating the damn thing in one shot. 

But...happiness! 

Lemony joy! I kid you not when I say I eat the whole damn thing!

Stretchiness and load bearing

One of the biggest put offs about having kids is the process in itself. No, the trying part is fun but after that me stretching out like a balloon and having someone press down my bladder for 9 months is not something I am gung ho about. TOH is not helping either! 

Last night over dinner :

TOH: I just kept sipping on water on rocks in the cocktail party

Me: Wow, no wonder you couldn’t drive back 

TOH: I had to pee so many times, but I couldn’t look weird so I learnt to control and then go once in a while

Me: Very skilled and smooth too

TOH: I think I have a very elastic bladder

Me: Maybe you could carry our child <eyes filled with eager expectation>

TOH: What is wrong with you!

Me: C’mon! Its stretchy, elastic, bag like...you exercise, you go to a party and sip on water...its a perfect choice. I have none of those qualities!

TOH: <Cold stare>
Me: You could be the surrogate father!
TOH: WTF! I woud be the real father why a surrogate
Me: Yes and you could carry the child as my surrogate
TOH: <Cold stare - 2>

I never knew TOH was so anti-surrogacy. Wow!

Let’s just say this whole no harm asking....maybe not such a good idea.

Collected in the face of a simian

TOH generally is very calm. Calm to a point where one might think it is a medically induced calm but let me assure you that it is not. While I am snappy and generally biting heads off on a good day, TOH is more the nodding and occasionally smiling kind (sometimes at inappropriate times which is a dead giveaway that he is not listening but watching TV). 

But it really helps balance us out as a couple. Case in point:

Today afternoon, as I was reheating pasta I saw a monkey in the kitchen balcony. Not an awwww so cute kind of monkey, more like a 'damn we cannot doubt evolution' sized monkey. I of course, could immediately see a small snippet in tomorrow's paper reading "Beautiful woman killed by monkey" but I had to be strong. The kitchen balcony is where P&C live and I was not about to give them up to a monkey after investing so much TLC on them. So I called the one person who I knew will give me the right advice or also because he is first on my speed dial - TOH

Me <knowing if I panic I won't hear the end of it>: Wassup?
TOH: Just finishing lunch, you?
Me: Accha....I have a small problem
TOH: What?
Me: There is a monkey in our kitchen balcony (not telling him about P&C because I didn't want him to panic at work about our step 1 of plant to child progression)
TOH: What?
Me: There is a MONKEY <enunciating>
TOH: So?

See this is what I mean by unusually calm...anyway continuing

TOH: Is it trying to come inside the house?
Me: Of course not! That is the only thing left now for a monkey to enter our house! 
TOH: Is it looking inside?
Me <thinking WTF>: No! It is looking outside...
TOH: Ok...maybe it is just there you know...thats what monkeys do
Me: Really? <thinking wow! there is a pattern to this madness and TOH knows about this shit>
Me <deep breathing>: Maybe its just seeking shelter, you know its pouring...
TOH: Oh yeah maybe that's it. Don't worry it will go away. I am surprised I have never seen monkeys around our house before
Me: Yeah it is about as big as I am, so you might have just mistaken it for me on an unwaxed day
TOH: <NO REACTION>

I am beginning to doubt that this state of imperturbable Zen is not substance induced...but yeah the monkey did go away once it stopped raining and yes TOH was right, I know! 

P.S: P&C are safe. Thank you for asking :)

P.P.S: I am sorry I couldn't take a picture of the monkey in my balcony. I didn't think it was wise to let the monkey feel it was welcome

The saga of candy crush begins

It was only yesterday I discovered Candy Crush Saga...yes I have been living under a rock.  As I was staring at the bright orange loading screen, TOH couldn't keep away. Now TOH has a history of being a control freak when it comes to games. He will decline but case in point:

Me running furiously in Temple Run2 with TOH watching from the side, probably sitting on his hands so that they do not snatch the iPad away involuntarily.
TOH: Turn! turn! turn...collect the coins on the side
Me: I do not want coins, I am just running
TOH: Jump! Why aren't you jumping...atleast collect the shield!
Me: I do not want to!!
TOH: You are going to hit a tree
I crash as he predicts
TOH: Give let me run now

So the minute I installed Candy Crush there he was. We started with level 1 (WTF is the deal with that music in the background!) with the iPad on my lap and TOH playing the game. 

TOH: This is so stupid. Degradation of the human mind
Me: This is what will happen to the world, mindlessness and slow death (moving my hand to move that yellow drop in line with the other two)
TOH: Don't do that! Think strategically before making any move!
Me: Okkkkk

10 levels later:

Me: I don't see what the big deal is...its so dumb anyway. Why is everyone raving about it?
TOH: Angry birds, Temple Run and now Candy Crush...I wonder what people see in it
Me: I wonder what that chocolate candy with sprinkles does (moving hand to touch the candy)
TOH: Nooo! First lets move the blue ones...We will save that for the end. Think long term.
Me: Why are there fish flying? 
TOH: No longer will people need to measure IQ. With Google and games like this...you can park your brains elsewhere
Me: Wow! Its 12:15...we must sleep.
TOH: One level more. Deal!

Three levels later:
TOH (packing the iPad away): You can play this tomorrow while you are at home
Me: Are you crazy? I have so much to do like I am going to play this during the day!

Today and 5 levels later:
Do any of you have lives you can share? Please...candy please? So tempted to pay 55 rupees for a new set of lives...hmmm

Deep breathing - exercise yogic control to not pay for lives on Candy Crush...think of poor children in Sudan!

Oooh 30 minutes up..Got a new life! 

Ninja assassin grandmom

Do you get it when people compare a baby's face to one of the 33 million Hindu gods? I don't...I cannot tell if the baby resembles the mom or the dad let alone a deity...
The other day I went to visit TOH's extended family (when TOH was in Goa - he owes me one and he knows it) and there was a baby boy. 

TOH's dad was holding the baby and there were some 20 other people in the room. Like I said, TOH's family is close - v e r y close. And suddenly, out of nowhere TOH's grandma asked me if I could see Lord Krishna in that baby's face. Now this is a trick question on so many levels - 1) The baby's mom was expectantly staring at my face waiting for me to say that all that the baby is missing a peacock feather and a flute 2) Lord Krishna is kind of a big deal in TOH's family so one cannot simply say yes and get on with life. 3) Saying no would be as bad as saying the baby resembles a pig or some such blasphemous thing.

Like any normal person I immediately dived into staring at the baby's face trying to find something to comment upon to make this nightmare go away. But other than his gummy face and drool I couldn't see a thing! I guess I stared for too long because TOH's grandma mistook my staring for interest.

She went for the jugular by asking me in front of 20 people "Doesn't this make you want one of your own?" Again a question to which there really is no answer...if I said yes I was screwed, if I said no I would be the most evil grand-daughter in-law defying the matriarch and if I let it go with smile the chances are people would assume I am already pregnant!

That grandma...old and tiny as she is, is like some ninja assassin type. One minute you are in everyone's good books and the next minute with your back flat out on the ground and all your brownie points missing.

Of natural progression from plant to dog

So TOH and I have been happily married for almost four years. This means, by Indian standards we should have popped a human out of me by now. But thankfully neither of us can bring ourselves to make that kind of commitment.

Meanwhile of course, the family is doing everything possible short of pinning me down and artificially inseminating me.

The issue which TOH and I discussed was about how neither of us have a nurturing bone in our bodies. Knowing this we came upon a simple and very logical progression to determine if we should have a child.

Plant --> small furry animal --> dog

At each step if we successfully manage to keep these things alive then we are good to go.

For step 1, we needed a plant. Now I did not want to start right at the seed level because you know, too much effort plus you never know how the seed can turn out (not nurturing and commitment phobic at all). So we got an oregano plant (fully grown) because I love oregano and to replicate the "love" at having a child level I felt oregano would be a good start.

We got the plant home, I watered it with all my heart and believe it or not in two days flat the plant was dead! Not a couple of leaves wilted or slightly droopy kinda dead - I mean dead like not a leaf on the twig dead.

So clearly step 1 in the whole experiment was as Brother would say #epicfail.

TOH came home and we both shook our heads thinking "we told you so" and quietly wiped out all the traces of us ever owning a plant.

New lease of life in sports humour

So TOH and I were watching news the other day and Usain Bolt was on explaining how he plans to retire maybe after the 2016 Olympics in Rio. When asked about future plans Usain said he may consider international cricket!

Me: How can Usain Bolt play cricket?

TOH: He is Jamaican...
Me: So?
TOH: Jamaicans can play cricket...look at Chris Gayle

I was as confused as you are because that analogy is as bad as Sachin Tendulkar is Indian, I am Indian so I should be able to play cricket too. Anyway TOH can be weird sometimes. 

Me: Ok...but who would ever want to play cricket with Usain Bolt?

TOH: Yeah, just imagine the batsman at the other end would always get "run out" get it? <laughing and very proud of his joke>

Me: I know! Imagine if Usain Bolt got hurt while playing...who could ever be his runner! I mean seriously...Usain Bolt's runner <laughing uncontrollably and of course super proud that I could now make a cricket joke, which surprisingly was spontaneous too>

TOH: <Blank stare> Don't try so hard...it's ok. You should let the joke end naturally, not so forced.

Oh c'mon like really! I am totally pro natural death of (most) people or jokes but that was such a natural extension and so awesome too. Its not like prolonged death but a new lease of life don't you think?

I think TOH is just feeling a little out there because sports was his arena now I am totally stealing his thunder by making kickass jokes. 

Hmph!

What do you think? It was a good one right? 

Why Blogging?

Well, I already do have another blog in which I write about stuff when I am feeling particularly thoughtful or outraged. Yesterday, TOH mentioned how no one who reads that blog will believe how truly batshit crazy I am and that is when I thought of starting another blog (since it does not cost much – nothing) in which people will totally see how ridiculous and totally stupid I can be.

I am also annoyed by how Indian wives are generally seen – either traditional (goody goody, doing all the festival/religious stuff, living with the biggest possible family cooking and having kids) or modern (immediate imagery of smoking with a wine glass in hand, not giving a fuck about relationships or “society”, cannot cook, does not clean, definitely working in a high profile jetsetting career ). I am sure there are people that do not fall into either of these categories or both, are totally fun, crazy and happy to be who they are. So I declare myself as the self-proclaimed leader of this ambiguous bunch.