Do not bring your child to yoga class!

Dear Poor Judgement Lady

I understand you had an off night and now you are paying the price by lugging around that three year old wherever you go. But there are others who didn't do anything wrong (so grossly wrong that is) and so should not have to deal with your karma issues.

There are a few things that are an absolute no-no in yoga class etiquette. For example: when your head is close to the mat, you SHOULD NOT wipe your sweaty nose on it and pretend like nothing happened! <Damn right, Uncle from Chennai...I saw what you did!> Or let me see, BRINGING YOUR THREE YEAR OLD TO CLASS! Really who the fuck does that!

I get it you want to go from your MLLG (Mother looking like grandmother) status to a MILF but that is no excuse to have your three year old (with the attention span of a fruit fly) run around the class while people are trying to hug their knees and sit on an invisible chair!

And even if you did you have no choice but to bring your spawn, whatever happened to bringing books or colours or a sedative to keep the devil's incarnate down!? 

What did you think I was missing in my practice?  A three year old laughing along my side while I can barely keep myself supported on my arms? Or worse having a three year old try and balance the same pose perfectly right next me? Yeah right you tiny showoff, let me see you do this when you are 28 ! 

I willingly pay money to twist my body like a pretzel, have #fail moments and wake up absolutely sore the next day. 
What I don't pay for is your child between my legs! And I really do not want that thrown in for free.

If there is no one to help you on a day, take a break. Take your child to the park, mix vodka in your vitamin water and watch your sunshine play! Or even better....do yoga at home. 


But please do not bring your child to yoga class.

Yours sincerely
LIW

Any good news? Hell No !

So like I said before, TOH and I do not have kids and honest to god are not planning right now. But clearly a simple yet pointed message like that can be difficult to get through not just family members in India but people you do not even know! 

If you are married, you must have kids preferably in the first two years of your marriage if you are normal, that is. If you are "modern" you get about 3-4 years tops! After that you will have coloured threads with your name on some tree which promises fertility. 

In the first two years of marriage, every time I attended a social event I was asked with a nudge nudge wink wink if there was any "good news". In fact, at a cousin's wedding a lady came and jabbed her finger into my tummy asking if there was any good news! I told her "even if there was, it sure wouldn't be good news now after such an injury..." She did walk away but not before clarifying "so no?". 

The other time, when I was at work and very ill I took a loo break and was seeing the last night's dinner going down the drain. A colleague waited for me in the washroom, I was touched by her concern before she asked me "oh good news?" I told her, "if I was, it would have to be a very powerful and determined sperm to travel alone for nearly 3000 km to impregnate me" She gave me a quizzical glance and walked away!  Really woman I just threw up, my husband lives in another city and I haven't seen him for almost 3 months and that is the question you are going with - so what did you expect!

Now when I go to a wedding people don't ask me about a good news, they just ask me how old my child is. Yes, my non-existent child because it is impossible to believe that I wouldn't have one right?

And when I say I don't have kids, I get anything from a shocked "oh why?" to a pitiful look followed by "I know this great doctor who is just so lucky...one look at you and that's all it takes"! 

Really people I will tell you when the miracle of life happens till then please keep your questions to the gossip group at the park where you go walking. I am really OK! 

Makes you wonder about the doctor though....just one look hmmm...what sort of a look would lead to THAT? Are you thinking what I am thinking? ;)

Ill of mother of the broken legged

I really think there is something about me that screams “walk over”. 

Today an aunt of mine called me after <let me count> 11 years. That’s right. She didn’t even come to my wedding. Now that is saying a lot about closeness because my wedding was a close, intimate gathering of about 1000 people true Indian style! She wasn’t even amongst those 1000 “close” friends and family, this aunt. 

So how come she called today you ask? Well, let me tell you.

This aunt has a daughter who happens to currently study in Bangalore and live in the hostel. This precious has broken her leg. Now don’t you judge me for speaking ill of the mom of the broken-legged! But if you read the conversation that followed I think you would be on my side.

Random aunty: Hello beta, how are you? Are you in Bangalore?

Me: May I know who is speaking?

Random aunty: <fake laughter> oh beta, this is random aunty

Me: <fake laughter> Oh! Hi!

Random aunty: How are you? How is TOH? I hear you don’t have a job these days how are you managing with TOH gone all day? 

Me: Umm....

Random aunty: Accha beta, where do you live? Is it close to the airport?

Me: No, it is not. Why?

Random aunty: Oh and TOH is he here? Do you guys have a car?

Me: What exactly happened aunty?

Random aunty: No beta, you see daughter has broken her leg and I thought I should visit but there really isn’t any point. I mean her leg is broken what can I do by coming there right? (I am not joking this is what she said)

Me: Ok....

Random aunty: So, I was thinking it is a long weekend and you know three days holidays...I was wondering if you could go pick up daughter and she could stay with you for three days and then you could drop her back. She wants to watch a movie and enjoy you know....but her leg is broken <insert sympathy pause>

Seriously WTF! You do not speak to me for 11 years, you make a random remark about me being unemployed, your daughter is not even my Facebook friend and you have the nerve to call me to ask me to play chauffeur, chef and a nurse!

These are the times when I totally do not mind playing my ‘Indian damsel who cannot function without her husband’ act. 

I simply told her that I cannot because TOH is traveling this weekend and I of course do not travel alone <shudders> so nope...no can't do. 

But really please tell me...do these things happen to you as well? Do you have random aunts or uncles or cousins who think they can waltz in and out whenever they please? I would love to hear about them...share your agony!