When life simply won't give you lemons!

We all have dirty, dark secrets that we take to our grave. I have them too. My current big secret which I am keeping from TOH - Lemons. Yes. Lemons. 

I love eating lemons. I grew up in Dubai eating these big, juicy, yellow lemons as a child. But now I live in India and all I get is limes. Now limes are good, but they are not lemons. 

Recently, I discovered lemons in a fancy supermarket nearby. Sadly, they are nearly 80 rupees a lemon. I bought one and ate the whole damn thing...with the insides and everything leaving only the rind behind. Yes, I know I will never have scurvy in this lifetime. 

But paying 80 bucks for a lemon is not on. Seriously, which sane person buys 1 lemon for 80 bucks more than once? And good luck to me trying to explain to TOH why I paid that much for a lemon. He will insist they are the same as limes and we all know they aren't. So for a while I didn't even walk in the direction of that supermarket lest I be tempted by Goddess Lemon (It HAS to be a goddess - bright yellow, sour, can give anyone a frozen jaw, definitely a woman that lemon)


Yesterday I was telling Dee about my lemon hankering. 

Me: Dee! I feel like buying a lemon. But I don't think its a smart thing to do
Dee: I think you shouldn't. Too much secretive lemon buying and you will be too house-wifey!
Me: What does that even mean?
Dee: Ahem...hiding things from husband, buying things. Very hindi serial bahu types
Me: They buy lemons?!
Dee: Well other stuff..lemons is uniquely you.
Me: I do not think I can ever convince TOH on why I desperately need a 85 rupee lemon. Damn stupid NRI upbringing!
Dee: Well...then do not buy it!

Well, I am sorry Dee. I did. I went to the supermarket and bought a lemon. I know, I know...I have a problem and till I admit it, no one can help me. 
If it makes you feel any better, my teeth are all tingly and my tongue feels weirdly grainy because of eating the damn thing in one shot. 

But...happiness! 

Lemony joy! I kid you not when I say I eat the whole damn thing!

Silver lining with gifts against crotch (not mine!)

So Indian weddings are sort of more the merrier kind of thing and I am more the “4 is too many people” kind. The other day I had a wedding reception to attend which I was desperately trying to get out of. Well because it was my mother-in-law’s cousin’s cousin’s <I do mean cousin’s cousin> daughter. Yes, very close that TOH’s family. 

So of course while I described my conundrum to Dee, she was trying to be as supportive as she could:

Me: I don’t want to go to this thing

Dee: Yeah I don’t see how you cannot. TOH is in Goa so you have no excuse...

Me: But c’mon help!

Dee: You aren’t working or anything so you cannot even have a meeting or get late at work!

Me: Thank you that was very helpful

Dee: Fake menstrual cramps...always works...

Me: No, its kind of complicated can’t do that

Dee: Ok...fake a migraine attack

Me: You cannot fake a migraine...they would know! My face swells up twice its size when I have an attack...its a dead giveaway

Dee: Fiiine...eat chocolate then! Be realistic!

Me: I would rather go to the reception than choosing a near death experience (side note: I have migraine and chocolate is the biggest trigger in my case)

Dee: See I told you...you should go.

Now here is the deal, in Indian wedding receptions the bride and the groom stand on an elevated platform decorated with flowers while people stand in a line (serpentine line), go up to the couple, wish them, give a gift and take a really bad picture with them. I sat down to watch for a bit and I observed the strangest thing.

A guest walks up to the stage, shakes hands with the bride and the groom and gives the groom a gift. The groom takes the gift and holds it against his crotch while taking a group picture with the guest !!

This happened over and over and over again. I don’t think the poor guy even knew that he is going to have an album full of pictures with him holding colourful boxes covering his crotch. But I don’t have much sympathy for him anymore, for one there was a huge projector screen which was showing the pictures being taken so he should have been able to figure it out and the other he held the envelopes against his crotch too! Seriously WTF! Even subconsciously how do you think you can protect your junk with an envelope which probably contains just one note not even like a thick wad of notes you know for extra padding!

Sigh, anyway all I can say I no longer regret going to that reception because while I thought my life was pretty darn fucked up at least I am not going to own a thick photo album in which I am holding gifts against my crotch....always a silver lining.

When Steve Jobs is involved in your baby's dump, it is excessive.

The other day Dee (introduced in Characters) and I were generally lamenting about the state of the world, when she discovered this: iPotty!

Now I would give you a minute to go visit the site for yourself and then come back. But I cannot hold myself any longer!

Serious WTF! Isn't your precious already overstimulated enough with the TV, Laptop, iPad that you needed to connect one to the potty! When is your dear dearest ever going to learn to appreciate the emptiness of thought that comes with sitting on a pot? The blank, stare-at-the-wall moments which let you take a breather from the madness of life...

And I am sorry, you are still training your poochikoochicoo (replace with whatever nonsensical baby cuddling name) to use the potty and that calls for utmost concentration and focus to finish the job at hand.  Plus do not even get me started on the hygiene and no, hand sanitisers are not good enough!

The horrors that follow do not cease to end. I googled for iPad potty and I was suggested to view this: Potty Training App. And the website calls it educational and <hold your breath> inspirational that's right!

Look, oh wow! It has motivated 25,000 kids to poop...

Yes, your little one needs to touch a horsey's nose on an interactive touch screen, hear blurbing noises to set a "positive mood for the most frustrating task" (I didn't say it. They did.) to finally be able to take a dump.

Is it just me and Dee? Does nobody see how horribly wrong this all is? What kind of a freaky young adult are we creating if he or she has to touch a fake horse to poop?!

Now I am not a parent but I sure did grow up to learn to use a potty without all this shenanigan so I am allowed to give my 2 cents. If you want to use this as "sure fire way to help toddlers learn to use the potty with less stress.

", I just ask you when is your kid ever going to know that taking a dump is probably the least stressful task he or she is going to have.*

*As long as you have a fibre-rich diet!