Ninja assassin grandmom

Do you get it when people compare a baby's face to one of the 33 million Hindu gods? I don't...I cannot tell if the baby resembles the mom or the dad let alone a deity...
The other day I went to visit TOH's extended family (when TOH was in Goa - he owes me one and he knows it) and there was a baby boy. 

TOH's dad was holding the baby and there were some 20 other people in the room. Like I said, TOH's family is close - v e r y close. And suddenly, out of nowhere TOH's grandma asked me if I could see Lord Krishna in that baby's face. Now this is a trick question on so many levels - 1) The baby's mom was expectantly staring at my face waiting for me to say that all that the baby is missing a peacock feather and a flute 2) Lord Krishna is kind of a big deal in TOH's family so one cannot simply say yes and get on with life. 3) Saying no would be as bad as saying the baby resembles a pig or some such blasphemous thing.

Like any normal person I immediately dived into staring at the baby's face trying to find something to comment upon to make this nightmare go away. But other than his gummy face and drool I couldn't see a thing! I guess I stared for too long because TOH's grandma mistook my staring for interest.

She went for the jugular by asking me in front of 20 people "Doesn't this make you want one of your own?" Again a question to which there really is no answer...if I said yes I was screwed, if I said no I would be the most evil grand-daughter in-law defying the matriarch and if I let it go with smile the chances are people would assume I am already pregnant!

That grandma...old and tiny as she is, is like some ninja assassin type. One minute you are in everyone's good books and the next minute with your back flat out on the ground and all your brownie points missing.

Silver lining with gifts against crotch (not mine!)

So Indian weddings are sort of more the merrier kind of thing and I am more the “4 is too many people” kind. The other day I had a wedding reception to attend which I was desperately trying to get out of. Well because it was my mother-in-law’s cousin’s cousin’s <I do mean cousin’s cousin> daughter. Yes, very close that TOH’s family. 

So of course while I described my conundrum to Dee, she was trying to be as supportive as she could:

Me: I don’t want to go to this thing

Dee: Yeah I don’t see how you cannot. TOH is in Goa so you have no excuse...

Me: But c’mon help!

Dee: You aren’t working or anything so you cannot even have a meeting or get late at work!

Me: Thank you that was very helpful

Dee: Fake menstrual cramps...always works...

Me: No, its kind of complicated can’t do that

Dee: Ok...fake a migraine attack

Me: You cannot fake a migraine...they would know! My face swells up twice its size when I have an attack...its a dead giveaway

Dee: Fiiine...eat chocolate then! Be realistic!

Me: I would rather go to the reception than choosing a near death experience (side note: I have migraine and chocolate is the biggest trigger in my case)

Dee: See I told you...you should go.

Now here is the deal, in Indian wedding receptions the bride and the groom stand on an elevated platform decorated with flowers while people stand in a line (serpentine line), go up to the couple, wish them, give a gift and take a really bad picture with them. I sat down to watch for a bit and I observed the strangest thing.

A guest walks up to the stage, shakes hands with the bride and the groom and gives the groom a gift. The groom takes the gift and holds it against his crotch while taking a group picture with the guest !!

This happened over and over and over again. I don’t think the poor guy even knew that he is going to have an album full of pictures with him holding colourful boxes covering his crotch. But I don’t have much sympathy for him anymore, for one there was a huge projector screen which was showing the pictures being taken so he should have been able to figure it out and the other he held the envelopes against his crotch too! Seriously WTF! Even subconsciously how do you think you can protect your junk with an envelope which probably contains just one note not even like a thick wad of notes you know for extra padding!

Sigh, anyway all I can say I no longer regret going to that reception because while I thought my life was pretty darn fucked up at least I am not going to own a thick photo album in which I am holding gifts against my crotch....always a silver lining.

Ill of mother of the broken legged

I really think there is something about me that screams “walk over”. 

Today an aunt of mine called me after <let me count> 11 years. That’s right. She didn’t even come to my wedding. Now that is saying a lot about closeness because my wedding was a close, intimate gathering of about 1000 people true Indian style! She wasn’t even amongst those 1000 “close” friends and family, this aunt. 

So how come she called today you ask? Well, let me tell you.

This aunt has a daughter who happens to currently study in Bangalore and live in the hostel. This precious has broken her leg. Now don’t you judge me for speaking ill of the mom of the broken-legged! But if you read the conversation that followed I think you would be on my side.

Random aunty: Hello beta, how are you? Are you in Bangalore?

Me: May I know who is speaking?

Random aunty: <fake laughter> oh beta, this is random aunty

Me: <fake laughter> Oh! Hi!

Random aunty: How are you? How is TOH? I hear you don’t have a job these days how are you managing with TOH gone all day? 

Me: Umm....

Random aunty: Accha beta, where do you live? Is it close to the airport?

Me: No, it is not. Why?

Random aunty: Oh and TOH is he here? Do you guys have a car?

Me: What exactly happened aunty?

Random aunty: No beta, you see daughter has broken her leg and I thought I should visit but there really isn’t any point. I mean her leg is broken what can I do by coming there right? (I am not joking this is what she said)

Me: Ok....

Random aunty: So, I was thinking it is a long weekend and you know three days holidays...I was wondering if you could go pick up daughter and she could stay with you for three days and then you could drop her back. She wants to watch a movie and enjoy you know....but her leg is broken <insert sympathy pause>

Seriously WTF! You do not speak to me for 11 years, you make a random remark about me being unemployed, your daughter is not even my Facebook friend and you have the nerve to call me to ask me to play chauffeur, chef and a nurse!

These are the times when I totally do not mind playing my ‘Indian damsel who cannot function without her husband’ act. 

I simply told her that I cannot because TOH is traveling this weekend and I of course do not travel alone <shudders> so nope...no can't do. 

But really please tell me...do these things happen to you as well? Do you have random aunts or uncles or cousins who think they can waltz in and out whenever they please? I would love to hear about them...share your agony!