Stretchiness and load bearing

One of the biggest put offs about having kids is the process in itself. No, the trying part is fun but after that me stretching out like a balloon and having someone press down my bladder for 9 months is not something I am gung ho about. TOH is not helping either! 

Last night over dinner :

TOH: I just kept sipping on water on rocks in the cocktail party

Me: Wow, no wonder you couldn’t drive back 

TOH: I had to pee so many times, but I couldn’t look weird so I learnt to control and then go once in a while

Me: Very skilled and smooth too

TOH: I think I have a very elastic bladder

Me: Maybe you could carry our child <eyes filled with eager expectation>

TOH: What is wrong with you!

Me: C’mon! Its stretchy, elastic, bag like...you exercise, you go to a party and sip on water...its a perfect choice. I have none of those qualities!

TOH: <Cold stare>
Me: You could be the surrogate father!
TOH: WTF! I woud be the real father why a surrogate
Me: Yes and you could carry the child as my surrogate
TOH: <Cold stare - 2>

I never knew TOH was so anti-surrogacy. Wow!

Let’s just say this whole no harm asking....maybe not such a good idea.

Do not bring your child to yoga class!

Dear Poor Judgement Lady

I understand you had an off night and now you are paying the price by lugging around that three year old wherever you go. But there are others who didn't do anything wrong (so grossly wrong that is) and so should not have to deal with your karma issues.

There are a few things that are an absolute no-no in yoga class etiquette. For example: when your head is close to the mat, you SHOULD NOT wipe your sweaty nose on it and pretend like nothing happened! <Damn right, Uncle from Chennai...I saw what you did!> Or let me see, BRINGING YOUR THREE YEAR OLD TO CLASS! Really who the fuck does that!

I get it you want to go from your MLLG (Mother looking like grandmother) status to a MILF but that is no excuse to have your three year old (with the attention span of a fruit fly) run around the class while people are trying to hug their knees and sit on an invisible chair!

And even if you did you have no choice but to bring your spawn, whatever happened to bringing books or colours or a sedative to keep the devil's incarnate down!? 

What did you think I was missing in my practice?  A three year old laughing along my side while I can barely keep myself supported on my arms? Or worse having a three year old try and balance the same pose perfectly right next me? Yeah right you tiny showoff, let me see you do this when you are 28 ! 

I willingly pay money to twist my body like a pretzel, have #fail moments and wake up absolutely sore the next day. 
What I don't pay for is your child between my legs! And I really do not want that thrown in for free.

If there is no one to help you on a day, take a break. Take your child to the park, mix vodka in your vitamin water and watch your sunshine play! Or even better....do yoga at home. 


But please do not bring your child to yoga class.

Yours sincerely
LIW

Ninja assassin grandmom

Do you get it when people compare a baby's face to one of the 33 million Hindu gods? I don't...I cannot tell if the baby resembles the mom or the dad let alone a deity...
The other day I went to visit TOH's extended family (when TOH was in Goa - he owes me one and he knows it) and there was a baby boy. 

TOH's dad was holding the baby and there were some 20 other people in the room. Like I said, TOH's family is close - v e r y close. And suddenly, out of nowhere TOH's grandma asked me if I could see Lord Krishna in that baby's face. Now this is a trick question on so many levels - 1) The baby's mom was expectantly staring at my face waiting for me to say that all that the baby is missing a peacock feather and a flute 2) Lord Krishna is kind of a big deal in TOH's family so one cannot simply say yes and get on with life. 3) Saying no would be as bad as saying the baby resembles a pig or some such blasphemous thing.

Like any normal person I immediately dived into staring at the baby's face trying to find something to comment upon to make this nightmare go away. But other than his gummy face and drool I couldn't see a thing! I guess I stared for too long because TOH's grandma mistook my staring for interest.

She went for the jugular by asking me in front of 20 people "Doesn't this make you want one of your own?" Again a question to which there really is no answer...if I said yes I was screwed, if I said no I would be the most evil grand-daughter in-law defying the matriarch and if I let it go with smile the chances are people would assume I am already pregnant!

That grandma...old and tiny as she is, is like some ninja assassin type. One minute you are in everyone's good books and the next minute with your back flat out on the ground and all your brownie points missing.

Any good news? Hell No !

So like I said before, TOH and I do not have kids and honest to god are not planning right now. But clearly a simple yet pointed message like that can be difficult to get through not just family members in India but people you do not even know! 

If you are married, you must have kids preferably in the first two years of your marriage if you are normal, that is. If you are "modern" you get about 3-4 years tops! After that you will have coloured threads with your name on some tree which promises fertility. 

In the first two years of marriage, every time I attended a social event I was asked with a nudge nudge wink wink if there was any "good news". In fact, at a cousin's wedding a lady came and jabbed her finger into my tummy asking if there was any good news! I told her "even if there was, it sure wouldn't be good news now after such an injury..." She did walk away but not before clarifying "so no?". 

The other time, when I was at work and very ill I took a loo break and was seeing the last night's dinner going down the drain. A colleague waited for me in the washroom, I was touched by her concern before she asked me "oh good news?" I told her, "if I was, it would have to be a very powerful and determined sperm to travel alone for nearly 3000 km to impregnate me" She gave me a quizzical glance and walked away!  Really woman I just threw up, my husband lives in another city and I haven't seen him for almost 3 months and that is the question you are going with - so what did you expect!

Now when I go to a wedding people don't ask me about a good news, they just ask me how old my child is. Yes, my non-existent child because it is impossible to believe that I wouldn't have one right?

And when I say I don't have kids, I get anything from a shocked "oh why?" to a pitiful look followed by "I know this great doctor who is just so lucky...one look at you and that's all it takes"! 

Really people I will tell you when the miracle of life happens till then please keep your questions to the gossip group at the park where you go walking. I am really OK! 

Makes you wonder about the doctor though....just one look hmmm...what sort of a look would lead to THAT? Are you thinking what I am thinking? ;)

When Steve Jobs is involved in your baby's dump, it is excessive.

The other day Dee (introduced in Characters) and I were generally lamenting about the state of the world, when she discovered this: iPotty!

Now I would give you a minute to go visit the site for yourself and then come back. But I cannot hold myself any longer!

Serious WTF! Isn't your precious already overstimulated enough with the TV, Laptop, iPad that you needed to connect one to the potty! When is your dear dearest ever going to learn to appreciate the emptiness of thought that comes with sitting on a pot? The blank, stare-at-the-wall moments which let you take a breather from the madness of life...

And I am sorry, you are still training your poochikoochicoo (replace with whatever nonsensical baby cuddling name) to use the potty and that calls for utmost concentration and focus to finish the job at hand.  Plus do not even get me started on the hygiene and no, hand sanitisers are not good enough!

The horrors that follow do not cease to end. I googled for iPad potty and I was suggested to view this: Potty Training App. And the website calls it educational and <hold your breath> inspirational that's right!

Look, oh wow! It has motivated 25,000 kids to poop...

Yes, your little one needs to touch a horsey's nose on an interactive touch screen, hear blurbing noises to set a "positive mood for the most frustrating task" (I didn't say it. They did.) to finally be able to take a dump.

Is it just me and Dee? Does nobody see how horribly wrong this all is? What kind of a freaky young adult are we creating if he or she has to touch a fake horse to poop?!

Now I am not a parent but I sure did grow up to learn to use a potty without all this shenanigan so I am allowed to give my 2 cents. If you want to use this as "sure fire way to help toddlers learn to use the potty with less stress.

", I just ask you when is your kid ever going to know that taking a dump is probably the least stressful task he or she is going to have.*

*As long as you have a fibre-rich diet!

Of natural progression from plant to dog

So TOH and I have been happily married for almost four years. This means, by Indian standards we should have popped a human out of me by now. But thankfully neither of us can bring ourselves to make that kind of commitment.

Meanwhile of course, the family is doing everything possible short of pinning me down and artificially inseminating me.

The issue which TOH and I discussed was about how neither of us have a nurturing bone in our bodies. Knowing this we came upon a simple and very logical progression to determine if we should have a child.

Plant --> small furry animal --> dog

At each step if we successfully manage to keep these things alive then we are good to go.

For step 1, we needed a plant. Now I did not want to start right at the seed level because you know, too much effort plus you never know how the seed can turn out (not nurturing and commitment phobic at all). So we got an oregano plant (fully grown) because I love oregano and to replicate the "love" at having a child level I felt oregano would be a good start.

We got the plant home, I watered it with all my heart and believe it or not in two days flat the plant was dead! Not a couple of leaves wilted or slightly droopy kinda dead - I mean dead like not a leaf on the twig dead.

So clearly step 1 in the whole experiment was as Brother would say #epicfail.

TOH came home and we both shook our heads thinking "we told you so" and quietly wiped out all the traces of us ever owning a plant.