Stretchiness and load bearing

One of the biggest put offs about having kids is the process in itself. No, the trying part is fun but after that me stretching out like a balloon and having someone press down my bladder for 9 months is not something I am gung ho about. TOH is not helping either! 

Last night over dinner :

TOH: I just kept sipping on water on rocks in the cocktail party

Me: Wow, no wonder you couldn’t drive back 

TOH: I had to pee so many times, but I couldn’t look weird so I learnt to control and then go once in a while

Me: Very skilled and smooth too

TOH: I think I have a very elastic bladder

Me: Maybe you could carry our child <eyes filled with eager expectation>

TOH: What is wrong with you!

Me: C’mon! Its stretchy, elastic, bag like...you exercise, you go to a party and sip on water...its a perfect choice. I have none of those qualities!

TOH: <Cold stare>
Me: You could be the surrogate father!
TOH: WTF! I woud be the real father why a surrogate
Me: Yes and you could carry the child as my surrogate
TOH: <Cold stare - 2>

I never knew TOH was so anti-surrogacy. Wow!

Let’s just say this whole no harm asking....maybe not such a good idea.

It's a goddamn conspiracy

I am going through a tough phase in my life. You know with me being unemployed and feeling quite pathetic overall...but all of that pales in comparison to the misery that the level 29 of Candy Crush Saga is causing me! 

Seriously wtf is wrong with that level...why are there so many frosted jellies? More importantly, how can the jellies I annihilate come back! Now, there is a sentence I never thought I'd type, but life can be strange like that!

I have been stuck on this level for a week now and it is completely screwing with my head. TOH tried working on it as well but gave up and mumbled something about it being stupid. I think unlike me he doesn't have the tenacity, the single minded dedication or absolute nothingness filling his life to pursue this sort of glory. 

I finally googled for "tips to cross level 29 in candy crush saga" and here's what I found:

1) There are like a zillion blogs and forums dedicated to this which was a) heartwarming because people coming together in times of need always is and b) very disconcerting because it is a direct correlation to how unemployed people are (Maybe TIME should use the Candy Crush index to combat the Big Mac index in the Economist or they could just write better...eh! their call)

2) All the tips said "work it from the bottom first" - I know, I know....it made me grin like an idiot too. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do

3) Youtube videos which show how to clear the level - now here is the deal with these videos, they do all the easy ones!! Seriously, I never have so many same coloured jellies or wrapped candies in the same line e v e r or even those big chocolate thingy with sprinkles are a rarity. How is it that only when Youtube plays Candy Crush all the stars (in this case jellies) align?

This only makes me think, there is nothing after level 29...its emptiness. No one has ever crossed level 29. All those people tweeting about level 68 are a part of the Candy Crush machinery to keep hope alive. It is a big fucking conspiracy...

I am sure after 10 years, Nat Geo will make a documentary on Level 29 of Candy Crush and that is when all these naysayers who lie about being in level 33 or 65 or 101 (!) will finally be caught.

Oooh 22 minutes up. Must not give up...must persevere <game face on>

-------------------UPDATE---------------------

Ok I did cross level 29 and move to level 30. No Nat Geo documentary after all. But one cannot be too careful these days.

Collected in the face of a simian

TOH generally is very calm. Calm to a point where one might think it is a medically induced calm but let me assure you that it is not. While I am snappy and generally biting heads off on a good day, TOH is more the nodding and occasionally smiling kind (sometimes at inappropriate times which is a dead giveaway that he is not listening but watching TV). 

But it really helps balance us out as a couple. Case in point:

Today afternoon, as I was reheating pasta I saw a monkey in the kitchen balcony. Not an awwww so cute kind of monkey, more like a 'damn we cannot doubt evolution' sized monkey. I of course, could immediately see a small snippet in tomorrow's paper reading "Beautiful woman killed by monkey" but I had to be strong. The kitchen balcony is where P&C live and I was not about to give them up to a monkey after investing so much TLC on them. So I called the one person who I knew will give me the right advice or also because he is first on my speed dial - TOH

Me <knowing if I panic I won't hear the end of it>: Wassup?
TOH: Just finishing lunch, you?
Me: Accha....I have a small problem
TOH: What?
Me: There is a monkey in our kitchen balcony (not telling him about P&C because I didn't want him to panic at work about our step 1 of plant to child progression)
TOH: What?
Me: There is a MONKEY <enunciating>
TOH: So?

See this is what I mean by unusually calm...anyway continuing

TOH: Is it trying to come inside the house?
Me: Of course not! That is the only thing left now for a monkey to enter our house! 
TOH: Is it looking inside?
Me <thinking WTF>: No! It is looking outside...
TOH: Ok...maybe it is just there you know...thats what monkeys do
Me: Really? <thinking wow! there is a pattern to this madness and TOH knows about this shit>
Me <deep breathing>: Maybe its just seeking shelter, you know its pouring...
TOH: Oh yeah maybe that's it. Don't worry it will go away. I am surprised I have never seen monkeys around our house before
Me: Yeah it is about as big as I am, so you might have just mistaken it for me on an unwaxed day
TOH: <NO REACTION>

I am beginning to doubt that this state of imperturbable Zen is not substance induced...but yeah the monkey did go away once it stopped raining and yes TOH was right, I know! 

P.S: P&C are safe. Thank you for asking :)

P.P.S: I am sorry I couldn't take a picture of the monkey in my balcony. I didn't think it was wise to let the monkey feel it was welcome

The saga of candy crush begins

It was only yesterday I discovered Candy Crush Saga...yes I have been living under a rock.  As I was staring at the bright orange loading screen, TOH couldn't keep away. Now TOH has a history of being a control freak when it comes to games. He will decline but case in point:

Me running furiously in Temple Run2 with TOH watching from the side, probably sitting on his hands so that they do not snatch the iPad away involuntarily.
TOH: Turn! turn! turn...collect the coins on the side
Me: I do not want coins, I am just running
TOH: Jump! Why aren't you jumping...atleast collect the shield!
Me: I do not want to!!
TOH: You are going to hit a tree
I crash as he predicts
TOH: Give let me run now

So the minute I installed Candy Crush there he was. We started with level 1 (WTF is the deal with that music in the background!) with the iPad on my lap and TOH playing the game. 

TOH: This is so stupid. Degradation of the human mind
Me: This is what will happen to the world, mindlessness and slow death (moving my hand to move that yellow drop in line with the other two)
TOH: Don't do that! Think strategically before making any move!
Me: Okkkkk

10 levels later:

Me: I don't see what the big deal is...its so dumb anyway. Why is everyone raving about it?
TOH: Angry birds, Temple Run and now Candy Crush...I wonder what people see in it
Me: I wonder what that chocolate candy with sprinkles does (moving hand to touch the candy)
TOH: Nooo! First lets move the blue ones...We will save that for the end. Think long term.
Me: Why are there fish flying? 
TOH: No longer will people need to measure IQ. With Google and games like this...you can park your brains elsewhere
Me: Wow! Its 12:15...we must sleep.
TOH: One level more. Deal!

Three levels later:
TOH (packing the iPad away): You can play this tomorrow while you are at home
Me: Are you crazy? I have so much to do like I am going to play this during the day!

Today and 5 levels later:
Do any of you have lives you can share? Please...candy please? So tempted to pay 55 rupees for a new set of lives...hmmm

Deep breathing - exercise yogic control to not pay for lives on Candy Crush...think of poor children in Sudan!

Oooh 30 minutes up..Got a new life! 

Do not bring your child to yoga class!

Dear Poor Judgement Lady

I understand you had an off night and now you are paying the price by lugging around that three year old wherever you go. But there are others who didn't do anything wrong (so grossly wrong that is) and so should not have to deal with your karma issues.

There are a few things that are an absolute no-no in yoga class etiquette. For example: when your head is close to the mat, you SHOULD NOT wipe your sweaty nose on it and pretend like nothing happened! <Damn right, Uncle from Chennai...I saw what you did!> Or let me see, BRINGING YOUR THREE YEAR OLD TO CLASS! Really who the fuck does that!

I get it you want to go from your MLLG (Mother looking like grandmother) status to a MILF but that is no excuse to have your three year old (with the attention span of a fruit fly) run around the class while people are trying to hug their knees and sit on an invisible chair!

And even if you did you have no choice but to bring your spawn, whatever happened to bringing books or colours or a sedative to keep the devil's incarnate down!? 

What did you think I was missing in my practice?  A three year old laughing along my side while I can barely keep myself supported on my arms? Or worse having a three year old try and balance the same pose perfectly right next me? Yeah right you tiny showoff, let me see you do this when you are 28 ! 

I willingly pay money to twist my body like a pretzel, have #fail moments and wake up absolutely sore the next day. 
What I don't pay for is your child between my legs! And I really do not want that thrown in for free.

If there is no one to help you on a day, take a break. Take your child to the park, mix vodka in your vitamin water and watch your sunshine play! Or even better....do yoga at home. 


But please do not bring your child to yoga class.

Yours sincerely
LIW

Ninja assassin grandmom

Do you get it when people compare a baby's face to one of the 33 million Hindu gods? I don't...I cannot tell if the baby resembles the mom or the dad let alone a deity...
The other day I went to visit TOH's extended family (when TOH was in Goa - he owes me one and he knows it) and there was a baby boy. 

TOH's dad was holding the baby and there were some 20 other people in the room. Like I said, TOH's family is close - v e r y close. And suddenly, out of nowhere TOH's grandma asked me if I could see Lord Krishna in that baby's face. Now this is a trick question on so many levels - 1) The baby's mom was expectantly staring at my face waiting for me to say that all that the baby is missing a peacock feather and a flute 2) Lord Krishna is kind of a big deal in TOH's family so one cannot simply say yes and get on with life. 3) Saying no would be as bad as saying the baby resembles a pig or some such blasphemous thing.

Like any normal person I immediately dived into staring at the baby's face trying to find something to comment upon to make this nightmare go away. But other than his gummy face and drool I couldn't see a thing! I guess I stared for too long because TOH's grandma mistook my staring for interest.

She went for the jugular by asking me in front of 20 people "Doesn't this make you want one of your own?" Again a question to which there really is no answer...if I said yes I was screwed, if I said no I would be the most evil grand-daughter in-law defying the matriarch and if I let it go with smile the chances are people would assume I am already pregnant!

That grandma...old and tiny as she is, is like some ninja assassin type. One minute you are in everyone's good books and the next minute with your back flat out on the ground and all your brownie points missing.

Kiss on a moving office

I was stuck in an auto at one of those signals which takes 150 seconds to switch from red to green, inhaling all the exhaust fumes possible. Next to my auto, was another auto with a couple seated in the back. Now the boy and the girl were super young or ridiculously petite and looked like they were coming back from tuition or something. There was the usual giggling and that not at all effortless putting arm around the girl's shoulder. 

Then it happened. They started kissing-  it was kissing at first and then became full fledged face sucking. Now let me be clear, I have nothing against PDA. In my hay days (I know, I know 28 is really catching up with me) I have also sneaked a kiss in the auto but firstly never at a signal because one can never be too careful and always waiting for the lightning to strike or find my mom in the adjacent auto. But that is not the point. 

The point is these two were going at it big time! Their auto driver even readjusted the mirror and smiled. Not only is he getting the fare he is also getting a free show! Their auto driver turns to my auto driver and lamented about something in Kannada. I am sure he wasn't talking about traffic or the weather because he was grinning his ass off and lamenting at the same time. 

My auto driver now felt the need to seek my opinion in this issue. 

Auto driver: See madam, what all children do these days...
Me: Hmmm..what to do
Auto driver: All because of mobile phone madam
Me: Really? Mobile phone?
Auto driver: Yes madam, full day sms then coming in real auto and kissing
Me: Hmmm, yes coming to a real auto and doing this is not ok...
Auto driver: You tell me madam, if someone comes to your office and starts kissing what will you do?
Me: Ummm...well...
Auto driver: This auto is also like office only no madam

By far the longest signal ever! But yeah the auto is exactly like an office...

In case you are curious <I know I would be>, those two were at it till the signal turned green. They didn't even come up for a breath! Sigh, strong lungs - gift of youth...

Emergent green thumb

I told you what happened the last time TOH and I got an oregano plant. So we decided to try again but this time with plants that fall on a medium on my likeability scale. I am now beginning to believe that my obsessive love might have been too stifling for the oregano plant and hence it decided to move on to a safer place where it doesn't drown in the name of being watered. 

I now have two plants - Parsley and Celery (P&C - kind of like a band but quieter). I am proud to report that they have lived for over a month now so yayyyy! I water them everyday (just enough) and say a few kind words like "You are so green today!" or "Look at you! All parsley like in your pot!". Seems to do the trick for now...I hope P&C make it. 

Meanwhile I am planning to get a few more plants to see how far I can stretch my green thumb. Any suggestions? 

Any good news? Hell No !

So like I said before, TOH and I do not have kids and honest to god are not planning right now. But clearly a simple yet pointed message like that can be difficult to get through not just family members in India but people you do not even know! 

If you are married, you must have kids preferably in the first two years of your marriage if you are normal, that is. If you are "modern" you get about 3-4 years tops! After that you will have coloured threads with your name on some tree which promises fertility. 

In the first two years of marriage, every time I attended a social event I was asked with a nudge nudge wink wink if there was any "good news". In fact, at a cousin's wedding a lady came and jabbed her finger into my tummy asking if there was any good news! I told her "even if there was, it sure wouldn't be good news now after such an injury..." She did walk away but not before clarifying "so no?". 

The other time, when I was at work and very ill I took a loo break and was seeing the last night's dinner going down the drain. A colleague waited for me in the washroom, I was touched by her concern before she asked me "oh good news?" I told her, "if I was, it would have to be a very powerful and determined sperm to travel alone for nearly 3000 km to impregnate me" She gave me a quizzical glance and walked away!  Really woman I just threw up, my husband lives in another city and I haven't seen him for almost 3 months and that is the question you are going with - so what did you expect!

Now when I go to a wedding people don't ask me about a good news, they just ask me how old my child is. Yes, my non-existent child because it is impossible to believe that I wouldn't have one right?

And when I say I don't have kids, I get anything from a shocked "oh why?" to a pitiful look followed by "I know this great doctor who is just so lucky...one look at you and that's all it takes"! 

Really people I will tell you when the miracle of life happens till then please keep your questions to the gossip group at the park where you go walking. I am really OK! 

Makes you wonder about the doctor though....just one look hmmm...what sort of a look would lead to THAT? Are you thinking what I am thinking? ;)

Silver lining with gifts against crotch (not mine!)

So Indian weddings are sort of more the merrier kind of thing and I am more the “4 is too many people” kind. The other day I had a wedding reception to attend which I was desperately trying to get out of. Well because it was my mother-in-law’s cousin’s cousin’s <I do mean cousin’s cousin> daughter. Yes, very close that TOH’s family. 

So of course while I described my conundrum to Dee, she was trying to be as supportive as she could:

Me: I don’t want to go to this thing

Dee: Yeah I don’t see how you cannot. TOH is in Goa so you have no excuse...

Me: But c’mon help!

Dee: You aren’t working or anything so you cannot even have a meeting or get late at work!

Me: Thank you that was very helpful

Dee: Fake menstrual cramps...always works...

Me: No, its kind of complicated can’t do that

Dee: Ok...fake a migraine attack

Me: You cannot fake a migraine...they would know! My face swells up twice its size when I have an attack...its a dead giveaway

Dee: Fiiine...eat chocolate then! Be realistic!

Me: I would rather go to the reception than choosing a near death experience (side note: I have migraine and chocolate is the biggest trigger in my case)

Dee: See I told you...you should go.

Now here is the deal, in Indian wedding receptions the bride and the groom stand on an elevated platform decorated with flowers while people stand in a line (serpentine line), go up to the couple, wish them, give a gift and take a really bad picture with them. I sat down to watch for a bit and I observed the strangest thing.

A guest walks up to the stage, shakes hands with the bride and the groom and gives the groom a gift. The groom takes the gift and holds it against his crotch while taking a group picture with the guest !!

This happened over and over and over again. I don’t think the poor guy even knew that he is going to have an album full of pictures with him holding colourful boxes covering his crotch. But I don’t have much sympathy for him anymore, for one there was a huge projector screen which was showing the pictures being taken so he should have been able to figure it out and the other he held the envelopes against his crotch too! Seriously WTF! Even subconsciously how do you think you can protect your junk with an envelope which probably contains just one note not even like a thick wad of notes you know for extra padding!

Sigh, anyway all I can say I no longer regret going to that reception because while I thought my life was pretty darn fucked up at least I am not going to own a thick photo album in which I am holding gifts against my crotch....always a silver lining.

Ill of mother of the broken legged

I really think there is something about me that screams “walk over”. 

Today an aunt of mine called me after <let me count> 11 years. That’s right. She didn’t even come to my wedding. Now that is saying a lot about closeness because my wedding was a close, intimate gathering of about 1000 people true Indian style! She wasn’t even amongst those 1000 “close” friends and family, this aunt. 

So how come she called today you ask? Well, let me tell you.

This aunt has a daughter who happens to currently study in Bangalore and live in the hostel. This precious has broken her leg. Now don’t you judge me for speaking ill of the mom of the broken-legged! But if you read the conversation that followed I think you would be on my side.

Random aunty: Hello beta, how are you? Are you in Bangalore?

Me: May I know who is speaking?

Random aunty: <fake laughter> oh beta, this is random aunty

Me: <fake laughter> Oh! Hi!

Random aunty: How are you? How is TOH? I hear you don’t have a job these days how are you managing with TOH gone all day? 

Me: Umm....

Random aunty: Accha beta, where do you live? Is it close to the airport?

Me: No, it is not. Why?

Random aunty: Oh and TOH is he here? Do you guys have a car?

Me: What exactly happened aunty?

Random aunty: No beta, you see daughter has broken her leg and I thought I should visit but there really isn’t any point. I mean her leg is broken what can I do by coming there right? (I am not joking this is what she said)

Me: Ok....

Random aunty: So, I was thinking it is a long weekend and you know three days holidays...I was wondering if you could go pick up daughter and she could stay with you for three days and then you could drop her back. She wants to watch a movie and enjoy you know....but her leg is broken <insert sympathy pause>

Seriously WTF! You do not speak to me for 11 years, you make a random remark about me being unemployed, your daughter is not even my Facebook friend and you have the nerve to call me to ask me to play chauffeur, chef and a nurse!

These are the times when I totally do not mind playing my ‘Indian damsel who cannot function without her husband’ act. 

I simply told her that I cannot because TOH is traveling this weekend and I of course do not travel alone <shudders> so nope...no can't do. 

But really please tell me...do these things happen to you as well? Do you have random aunts or uncles or cousins who think they can waltz in and out whenever they please? I would love to hear about them...share your agony!

When Steve Jobs is involved in your baby's dump, it is excessive.

The other day Dee (introduced in Characters) and I were generally lamenting about the state of the world, when she discovered this: iPotty!

Now I would give you a minute to go visit the site for yourself and then come back. But I cannot hold myself any longer!

Serious WTF! Isn't your precious already overstimulated enough with the TV, Laptop, iPad that you needed to connect one to the potty! When is your dear dearest ever going to learn to appreciate the emptiness of thought that comes with sitting on a pot? The blank, stare-at-the-wall moments which let you take a breather from the madness of life...

And I am sorry, you are still training your poochikoochicoo (replace with whatever nonsensical baby cuddling name) to use the potty and that calls for utmost concentration and focus to finish the job at hand.  Plus do not even get me started on the hygiene and no, hand sanitisers are not good enough!

The horrors that follow do not cease to end. I googled for iPad potty and I was suggested to view this: Potty Training App. And the website calls it educational and <hold your breath> inspirational that's right!

Look, oh wow! It has motivated 25,000 kids to poop...

Yes, your little one needs to touch a horsey's nose on an interactive touch screen, hear blurbing noises to set a "positive mood for the most frustrating task" (I didn't say it. They did.) to finally be able to take a dump.

Is it just me and Dee? Does nobody see how horribly wrong this all is? What kind of a freaky young adult are we creating if he or she has to touch a fake horse to poop?!

Now I am not a parent but I sure did grow up to learn to use a potty without all this shenanigan so I am allowed to give my 2 cents. If you want to use this as "sure fire way to help toddlers learn to use the potty with less stress.

", I just ask you when is your kid ever going to know that taking a dump is probably the least stressful task he or she is going to have.*

*As long as you have a fibre-rich diet!

Of natural progression from plant to dog

So TOH and I have been happily married for almost four years. This means, by Indian standards we should have popped a human out of me by now. But thankfully neither of us can bring ourselves to make that kind of commitment.

Meanwhile of course, the family is doing everything possible short of pinning me down and artificially inseminating me.

The issue which TOH and I discussed was about how neither of us have a nurturing bone in our bodies. Knowing this we came upon a simple and very logical progression to determine if we should have a child.

Plant --> small furry animal --> dog

At each step if we successfully manage to keep these things alive then we are good to go.

For step 1, we needed a plant. Now I did not want to start right at the seed level because you know, too much effort plus you never know how the seed can turn out (not nurturing and commitment phobic at all). So we got an oregano plant (fully grown) because I love oregano and to replicate the "love" at having a child level I felt oregano would be a good start.

We got the plant home, I watered it with all my heart and believe it or not in two days flat the plant was dead! Not a couple of leaves wilted or slightly droopy kinda dead - I mean dead like not a leaf on the twig dead.

So clearly step 1 in the whole experiment was as Brother would say #epicfail.

TOH came home and we both shook our heads thinking "we told you so" and quietly wiped out all the traces of us ever owning a plant.

New lease of life in sports humour

So TOH and I were watching news the other day and Usain Bolt was on explaining how he plans to retire maybe after the 2016 Olympics in Rio. When asked about future plans Usain said he may consider international cricket!

Me: How can Usain Bolt play cricket?

TOH: He is Jamaican...
Me: So?
TOH: Jamaicans can play cricket...look at Chris Gayle

I was as confused as you are because that analogy is as bad as Sachin Tendulkar is Indian, I am Indian so I should be able to play cricket too. Anyway TOH can be weird sometimes. 

Me: Ok...but who would ever want to play cricket with Usain Bolt?

TOH: Yeah, just imagine the batsman at the other end would always get "run out" get it? <laughing and very proud of his joke>

Me: I know! Imagine if Usain Bolt got hurt while playing...who could ever be his runner! I mean seriously...Usain Bolt's runner <laughing uncontrollably and of course super proud that I could now make a cricket joke, which surprisingly was spontaneous too>

TOH: <Blank stare> Don't try so hard...it's ok. You should let the joke end naturally, not so forced.

Oh c'mon like really! I am totally pro natural death of (most) people or jokes but that was such a natural extension and so awesome too. Its not like prolonged death but a new lease of life don't you think?

I think TOH is just feeling a little out there because sports was his arena now I am totally stealing his thunder by making kickass jokes. 

Hmph!

What do you think? It was a good one right? 

The Characters

So these are people who will regularly be featuring in stuff I write. I only have about 5 really close friends and I try to keep it that way because a) I do not have the bandwidth to handle more friends than that and b) I believe it keeps my friends on their toes to be in the top 5.

TOH – The Other Half aka the husband.

Dee – The best friend who is equally if not more mad.

Cee – The other close friend who makes a great partner to rant and rave about anything under the sun.

Ma – Mother of the Crazy Indian Wife  who refuses to cut the cord.

Brother – The sibling from the next generation. Born as an afterthought, so social that it makes me believe that one of us is surely adopted.

Why Blogging?

Well, I already do have another blog in which I write about stuff when I am feeling particularly thoughtful or outraged. Yesterday, TOH mentioned how no one who reads that blog will believe how truly batshit crazy I am and that is when I thought of starting another blog (since it does not cost much – nothing) in which people will totally see how ridiculous and totally stupid I can be.

I am also annoyed by how Indian wives are generally seen – either traditional (goody goody, doing all the festival/religious stuff, living with the biggest possible family cooking and having kids) or modern (immediate imagery of smoking with a wine glass in hand, not giving a fuck about relationships or “society”, cannot cook, does not clean, definitely working in a high profile jetsetting career ). I am sure there are people that do not fall into either of these categories or both, are totally fun, crazy and happy to be who they are. So I declare myself as the self-proclaimed leader of this ambiguous bunch.